Today has been a rather amazing day. It started off kind of crummy with my roommate's bike being stolen, but as it went on it got better and better. To start off here is a verse that is at the heart of this day. James 4:8, "Come near to God and He will come near to you..."
This verse is so big because I have been in a slump for awhile now, feeling numb and disconnected from God. My quite time had felt empty and I was beginning to become discouraged that I was falling back into the "old me." I was stressing, freaking out about money, putting on my "I got it together" face, and worrying about whether or not I am making the wrong decisions about my life. I had bottled all of it up (like usual) until the other night when my heart gave way and broke.
I was in bed trying to go to sleep. It was about 12:30am, so I thought it would be easy to do, but my mind start reeling about anything and everything. I was questioning quitting ROTC, being at NAU, am doing what I'm suppose to be doing, am I ever really going to be able to make it in film, etc. By 1:15am I was ready to get out of bed and go for a run to clear my head, but my Mom's words came into my head..."Mom I can't sleep." "Why don't you read your Bible. That will calm you down." I had always rolled my eyes at her before, but for some reason this night I didn't. I picked up my Bible, opened it up to Mark, and just started reading. You might think that I am going to tell you some amazing thing that God revealed to me during that time, but I'm not. After 3 or 4 chapters I fell asleep.
The next day I opened it up again and continued reading. I read some challenging things, but what was different that day, was that I accepted that I needed to do somethings I was uncomfortable doing. I got off my bed, got down on hands and knees, bowed my head, and just listened. I left 10 minutes open to just listen, nothing else. Once again, I didn't hear God's voice or have a vision. I just got up and went to class. But that wasn't the point. The point was, I did it.
When I did those things, I wasn't relying on myself or what I could do to make myself feel better, I was putting it all in God's hands. And you know what? These have been some of the best couple of days I have had in a long time. I have had amazing talks with friends, worshiped at InterVarsity like I haven't in a long time, been blessed by friends, and seen answers to big prayers. I made an effort to draw myself back to God and in response, He wrapped his arms around my and reminded me that He loves me and will always be right there holding me.
Now this may just sound like, "Oh, a couple of good days and God is so loving," and not that isn't enough, but to explain just how BIG I am talking here are a few specifics. My Mom has been stressed about the Alliance Women going into debt because of low turn out for retreat this weekend, but this morning during our talk she informed me that she received an e-mail that someone wanted to donate $5,000. That is enough to cover the debt. I also received an new video camera to further my dreams of being a film maker AND a check in the amount of $1,000 for my China missions trip this summer for my amazing Grandma Ginny. I have a place to live next year that I can afford and I am at PEACE about it all. I'm not the numb, "logically I can grasp all this," but rather I am SMILING and genuinely HAPPY about it all.
I know, that chances are I am going to fall into a slump again and most likely pretty soon, but I also know that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. I don't know about you, but that brings a smile to my face. ^_^
