A year ago I wrote a three part series on my perspective of love. A year latter I am still single which I only point out because I have no new thoughts on the subject that this day supposedly represents; at least not in the romantic sense. I may not be an expert on the subject of romantic love, but there is one kind of love that I feel that I know better than most: Familial Love.
I use to think that everyone’s family interacted like mine, but I soon realized that nothing about my family is normal. To be honest, that may be why we get along so well. We were not always the tight knit family that we are today; we use to fight A LOT and I can’t really avoid the fact that most of the animosity in our family was caused by me, but I also think that this is why I understand our family’s relationship so well.
That was the longest introduction in the world so now I’ll just jump in. I LOVE my family! I talk about them more than anyone else in the world and miss them more too. As I said before, I was not always this way. When I was younger I couldn’t get away from them fast enough. I fought with my mom everyday on what I should wear, yelled at my sister for defending my mom, my brother for being…I actually can’t remember why we fought. My dad and I probably got along the best because I was a Tomboy and so he and I connected better. If you have ever seen Tim Allen’s new family sitcom Last Man Standing, he and I were like Mike and Eve in that show. Things started to change around middle school and high school.
It changed when I grew up and realized the importance of family. In sixth grade I was abandoned by all my friends and was forced to start all over, something I am not very good at. It was then I realized that the only people that didn’t bail on me were the very people who had every reason to. The people who I had treated horribly loved me anyway. Things were not perfect after that, but they were better. My family had been trying to love me but I wouldn’t let them. That is the first key that I have found to our family’s success. We all love in different ways and we have to love each other in those ways. I didn’t recognize that they were trying to love me, but once I did I was able to accept it and then return the sentiment. But that brings up the next key.
In the last five or six years I have learned to be intentional. My brother and I fought the longest out of all of us. People in high school use to tell me that we would get along better once he went away to college, but he chose community college and didn’t leave. A few years later I did and they were right. I don’t think that they were right because “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” but because I once again grew up a little more. When I got home for break I saw my family and particularly my brother in a new light. I watched what they did and I found ways to show them that I loved them in little ways and realized that they had been doing the same thing. My brother would work until midnight most nights and then would come home and cook himself food and watch the Food Network. I once heard him say that he felt lonely because he never got to socialize because of his hours so I decided to intentionally spend time with him. Even when I wanted to go to bed and knew that I had work in the morning, I would stay up and just hang out with him when he got home from work. It wasn’t anything big, but it meant a lot to both of us. To this day I still make an effort to do things that my family wants to do that I don’t. I have danced and sung in church for my sister for heavens sake! Love is sometimes doing things that you don’t want to do and that scare you, but in the end it’s worth it.
I could write all day about my family and how much I love them, but I will spare you and only write a little more. Mostly cause I can’t ignore my sister and my relationship. I think that sisters in general have tighter relationships so I make no claim to having anything unique, but I do LOVE our relationship. My sister and I just understand each other. We are five years apart, but she is my best friend. We talk in movie quotes, she writes me poems, we laugh at each other’s pathetic love lives, and we just love hanging out. What I think makes our relationship so strong is the fact that we communicate. We talk about everything! People are floored when I tell them that I Skype with my family for an average of two hours at a time and they always ask, “what do you talk about for that long?” I usually just laugh and return with, “everything.” No subject in my family is taboo. I had no specific “birds and the bees” talk growing up because we didn’t make it super uncomfortable to talk about. If we had a question we asked and my parents answered the best they could. If some one in our family is quiet and reserved, you know something is wrong because we are all about talking…a little less my brother though. I can’t count how may times I have gone into my room or our office to cry or escape conversation and then my mom or my sister have come in and made me talk about it or just let me cry. One time I was even just in my room cleaning for a while cause we were having company and my mom though something was wrong so she sent my sister to see if I as okay. I thought it was funny, but it also meant a lot. It meant that they noticed I was doing something out of the ordinary. Communication really is invaluable.
So now that I have written an essay, I will just sum up my thoughts for you. I have found that the key to our family’s amazing relationship is to love them for who they are, pay attention to and value the little things they do, be intentional in showing them you love them, talk to them, and to grow with them. As I write this last bit out, I have realized that this is not as irrelevant to romantic relationships as I first thought. I guess in the end your romantic relationship does become your family so the principles are the same. I guess God is pretty smart like that.
I hope this Valentines Day you love intentionally and unconditionally. Happy Valentines Day.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Regret, Realizations, and Redbox
I am the kind of person who likes answers. When I read something or someone makes a statement, I need there to be an answer attached to it or I get frustrated. Few things bother me more than when someone does not do this. For the people out there that are like me in this manner, I apologize in advance because I am a bout to do that vey thing.
I left my house tonight like it was any other night. I went to a Redbox near my house, got my movie, and was getting ready to get back into my car when a man approached me. He was older, scruffy, and had nothing with him but a coat, a small bag on his back, and a little plastic cup that he had been drinking out of. Before he got could get past the words, “excuse me,” I knew what he was going to ask me. As he spoke I understood three out of maybe every ten words because of the way he spoke. It seemed as though he had a speech impediment that I assume was only made worse by the slight smell of alcohol that came from. As I dug all the change that I could out of my car I listened the best of my ability and answered him honestly anytime he asked a question. He asked me my name, if I was married, how things were going, and so on and I had no trouble answering any of those until he asked me if I could give him a ride. A ride. Something that I willingly offer people I know or have even just met, in the right circumstances. Something that I have never thought twice about before, but this time I did. So what I found myself saying next now makes me a little sick to think about, I lied. I told him I had somewhere to be. The worst part is, is that as I said it I knew that I was going to regret it, but the words came out anyway. He shook my hand several times, hugged me three times, gave me a little kiss on the cheek, and even closed the door for me after I got in the car. As I left the parking lot and he walked the opposite direction, my stomach ached. Was my preconceived notion that you don’t give rides to strangers more powerful then my compassion? Was my evening lounging in bed with a beer and watching a movie after a long day of classes more important then helping this guy in need? The least I could have done was walk with him over to McDonalds, bought him a coffee, and just sat with him awhile. But that’s not what I did. I chose the easy way out and I lied.
You may be saying, “that’s a little dramatic Miriam,” or even, “you did more than some,” but the problem is, more is not always enough. In my Bible Study last night we talked about the Good Samaritan and what makes up a spiritually healthy life. Conceptually I knew all the answers, but today when present with the opportunity to put what I knew into action, I failed. Tonight my compassion, my love, and my need to make relationship a priority came second to my desire for comfort. It is a moment in time that I regret and wish with everything that is in me that I could go back and change, but life doesn’t work that way. The best I can do is hope that I do better next time.
So like I said, there are no answers or solutions to a problem; only an anecdote. Maybe the point of this is not to tell you the answers, but to provide you (and me for that matter) with the opportunity to evaluate ourselves. Have you ever had a moment like mine? A moment you wish you could redo? Regret is a nasty thing my friends and I think my new goal in life is to stop having them.
I left my house tonight like it was any other night. I went to a Redbox near my house, got my movie, and was getting ready to get back into my car when a man approached me. He was older, scruffy, and had nothing with him but a coat, a small bag on his back, and a little plastic cup that he had been drinking out of. Before he got could get past the words, “excuse me,” I knew what he was going to ask me. As he spoke I understood three out of maybe every ten words because of the way he spoke. It seemed as though he had a speech impediment that I assume was only made worse by the slight smell of alcohol that came from. As I dug all the change that I could out of my car I listened the best of my ability and answered him honestly anytime he asked a question. He asked me my name, if I was married, how things were going, and so on and I had no trouble answering any of those until he asked me if I could give him a ride. A ride. Something that I willingly offer people I know or have even just met, in the right circumstances. Something that I have never thought twice about before, but this time I did. So what I found myself saying next now makes me a little sick to think about, I lied. I told him I had somewhere to be. The worst part is, is that as I said it I knew that I was going to regret it, but the words came out anyway. He shook my hand several times, hugged me three times, gave me a little kiss on the cheek, and even closed the door for me after I got in the car. As I left the parking lot and he walked the opposite direction, my stomach ached. Was my preconceived notion that you don’t give rides to strangers more powerful then my compassion? Was my evening lounging in bed with a beer and watching a movie after a long day of classes more important then helping this guy in need? The least I could have done was walk with him over to McDonalds, bought him a coffee, and just sat with him awhile. But that’s not what I did. I chose the easy way out and I lied.
You may be saying, “that’s a little dramatic Miriam,” or even, “you did more than some,” but the problem is, more is not always enough. In my Bible Study last night we talked about the Good Samaritan and what makes up a spiritually healthy life. Conceptually I knew all the answers, but today when present with the opportunity to put what I knew into action, I failed. Tonight my compassion, my love, and my need to make relationship a priority came second to my desire for comfort. It is a moment in time that I regret and wish with everything that is in me that I could go back and change, but life doesn’t work that way. The best I can do is hope that I do better next time.
So like I said, there are no answers or solutions to a problem; only an anecdote. Maybe the point of this is not to tell you the answers, but to provide you (and me for that matter) with the opportunity to evaluate ourselves. Have you ever had a moment like mine? A moment you wish you could redo? Regret is a nasty thing my friends and I think my new goal in life is to stop having them.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Value of Broken Hearts and Twilight
So as the final installments of the Twilight series have begun to come out and it has sparked a lot of conversations and arguments. “Harry Potter is better”, “Twilight is stupid cause it was poorly written”, “those books and movies have no real value”, etc. I am by no means a “Twihard,” but I did enjoy and find value in the books and movies. Now after saying that, please don’t discount the rest of this blog. I am about to explain my opinion by being vulnerable and exposing an issue that has been my greatest struggle over the years. So, please don’t write this off because it is dealing with Twilight because it is also about me. Let me start by summing up the series from my perspective.
Bella Swan is utterly imperfect. So much so that many people can’t stand her as a character. She is awkward, clumsy, foolish, and thinks very little of herself. Through out the books she struggles with an issue that is extremely prevalent for young women around the world. She struggles with self worth. She meets a handsome, wealthy, seemingly perfect “man” who falls in love with her. Her. Out of every woman he has met in 169 (or whatever) years he chooses her. She can’t believe that anyone, let alone this man, could ever desire her. The people around her don’t see her like this, but that is why her issue is SELF worth.
A powerful moment for me is in the fourth book when she becomes a vampire and sees her new self in the mirror. She is radiant and flawless She tells Edward that she is beautiful now and he basically tells her that she is seeing her self for the first time how he has always seen her. Perfect.
I am not ashamed to say that I am Bella Swan. For about 19 of my 20 years of life I have struggled with self worth, to a degree that was crippling. I still have moments of relapse. I am overweight, not particularly good at anything, plain, and not all that intelligent. This is how I saw myself. I saw myself as never being worthy of the kind of man I would want to marry, the friendships I wanted to have, career, etc. Because of this view of myself I was consumed by fear. Fear that people didn’t really like me, that I would never do anything with my life, that I would fail, and that everyone around me found me as inadequate as I found myself. I didn’t peruse deeper friendships, I didn’t do the things I wanted to, and I let myself become a people pleaser. Twilight didn’t heal me, God did, but it was a fictitious representation of my struggles and I found comfort in that. It was a reminder that these issues that I struggled with are real issues shared by women (and I am sure men too) all over.
Jesus was my Edward. A “man” that is perfect, puts my needs above his own, willing to die for me, and loves me unconditionally; including my many flaws. It is in this love relationship that I began to realize that I had worth. The more he loves me, the more I believe that I have value. It is in this relationship that I have found healing.
As a Christian my prayer is that woman around the world would find their healing from a relationship with the creator, but if it has to begin with a fictional character, then maybe with a real person, and eventually find her true value in Christ; then so be it. I know what it feels like to feel worthless and insufficient and anything that can begin the healing is valuable to me.
I’m not saying that you have to like Twilight or anything, but I am asking that you not say that it holds no value. Not only does it have the possibility of belittling the struggles and opinions of girls who already don’t view themselves as valuable, but you are also damaging the one who created it. As a creator of art myself, I recognize that a little bit (or sometimes a lot) of yourself goes into what you make. What are you saying about, and to the “artist” when say that what they have put themselves into has no value, is pointless, and should never have been made?
We may not have the intention of hurting people when we say these things. We think, “it’s just my opinion about a book or movie. Why should anyone else care?” But our words sometimes have unseen effects. People said a lot of things during my life that were not meant to hurt me, but they did. We can’t always control the outcome of our words, but we can control what we say. So the point of this post was not to change your mind about Twilight itself, but rather to appeal to you as woman who has been healed from her issues of self worth to be conscious of your words and the effects that they may have on women who have not yet found the answers to their hurting. I may seem over dramatic to you, but I’m okay with that. If what I have said has even caused you to pause for a moment to think about these issues, then I have accomplished my goal.
So, yes. Yes I do think that Twilight has value. I also think that people have value. So the next time I go to express my opinion I am going to think twice about what I say and what effects it might have; because you never know what they might be struggling with and what those words might do. Who knows, maybe the words I choose to say might heal rather than hurt. Which outcome would you rather be a part of?
Bella Swan is utterly imperfect. So much so that many people can’t stand her as a character. She is awkward, clumsy, foolish, and thinks very little of herself. Through out the books she struggles with an issue that is extremely prevalent for young women around the world. She struggles with self worth. She meets a handsome, wealthy, seemingly perfect “man” who falls in love with her. Her. Out of every woman he has met in 169 (or whatever) years he chooses her. She can’t believe that anyone, let alone this man, could ever desire her. The people around her don’t see her like this, but that is why her issue is SELF worth.
A powerful moment for me is in the fourth book when she becomes a vampire and sees her new self in the mirror. She is radiant and flawless She tells Edward that she is beautiful now and he basically tells her that she is seeing her self for the first time how he has always seen her. Perfect.
I am not ashamed to say that I am Bella Swan. For about 19 of my 20 years of life I have struggled with self worth, to a degree that was crippling. I still have moments of relapse. I am overweight, not particularly good at anything, plain, and not all that intelligent. This is how I saw myself. I saw myself as never being worthy of the kind of man I would want to marry, the friendships I wanted to have, career, etc. Because of this view of myself I was consumed by fear. Fear that people didn’t really like me, that I would never do anything with my life, that I would fail, and that everyone around me found me as inadequate as I found myself. I didn’t peruse deeper friendships, I didn’t do the things I wanted to, and I let myself become a people pleaser. Twilight didn’t heal me, God did, but it was a fictitious representation of my struggles and I found comfort in that. It was a reminder that these issues that I struggled with are real issues shared by women (and I am sure men too) all over.
Jesus was my Edward. A “man” that is perfect, puts my needs above his own, willing to die for me, and loves me unconditionally; including my many flaws. It is in this love relationship that I began to realize that I had worth. The more he loves me, the more I believe that I have value. It is in this relationship that I have found healing.
As a Christian my prayer is that woman around the world would find their healing from a relationship with the creator, but if it has to begin with a fictional character, then maybe with a real person, and eventually find her true value in Christ; then so be it. I know what it feels like to feel worthless and insufficient and anything that can begin the healing is valuable to me.
I’m not saying that you have to like Twilight or anything, but I am asking that you not say that it holds no value. Not only does it have the possibility of belittling the struggles and opinions of girls who already don’t view themselves as valuable, but you are also damaging the one who created it. As a creator of art myself, I recognize that a little bit (or sometimes a lot) of yourself goes into what you make. What are you saying about, and to the “artist” when say that what they have put themselves into has no value, is pointless, and should never have been made?
We may not have the intention of hurting people when we say these things. We think, “it’s just my opinion about a book or movie. Why should anyone else care?” But our words sometimes have unseen effects. People said a lot of things during my life that were not meant to hurt me, but they did. We can’t always control the outcome of our words, but we can control what we say. So the point of this post was not to change your mind about Twilight itself, but rather to appeal to you as woman who has been healed from her issues of self worth to be conscious of your words and the effects that they may have on women who have not yet found the answers to their hurting. I may seem over dramatic to you, but I’m okay with that. If what I have said has even caused you to pause for a moment to think about these issues, then I have accomplished my goal.
So, yes. Yes I do think that Twilight has value. I also think that people have value. So the next time I go to express my opinion I am going to think twice about what I say and what effects it might have; because you never know what they might be struggling with and what those words might do. Who knows, maybe the words I choose to say might heal rather than hurt. Which outcome would you rather be a part of?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Courage: Pictures of The Everyday Heroes
As I sat in church today on the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I began to think about the events of that day and all the pain and heart ache that followed. I thought about the men and woman who ran into those buildings to save as many people as they could. I thought about all the people since then that have enlisted to serve and protect our country. I just kept thinking what courage and bravery and then my think took a little bit of a different route. I realized as I sat worshiping God from my comfy seat that there are a group of people born of the pain of 9/11/01 who’s bravery and courage are not as often acknowledged; the everyday American families torn apart by these events.
I’m not saying that they have been ignored, because I know a lot has been done and said of them, but today my heart breaks for them as they are once again reminded of their suffering. I weep for the children who not only lost a parent, but never got to know them because they were too little when it happened. I pray for the parents who lost their children and never again get to hold them in their arms. I hurt for the men and woman who said goodbye to their loved ones as they headed off to work thinking they would see them walk through the front door again. I am thankful for the men and woman who gave and continue to give of their lives, but today these are the people I am going to remember most. These people are my heroes.
Calling these people my heroes may seem a bit odd or lofty a placement to many of you, but they are. They are everyday, average Americans that didn’t sign up for a job or life that may someday require them to give their lives for anyone. They were probably thankful for what they had, but wished they could get this next promotion or send their kid to that better school or even just get that girl or guy they like so much to notice them. And then in an instant, none of those things mattered anymore. All those things that annoyed them or that they wanted seemed petty because before they knew what happened, they had lost the most precious people in their lives that can never be replaced. Their whole world came crashing down with those towers.
I can’t begin to imagine their pain because I have never experienced loss like that, but even as a little 6th grader I recognized it in their eyes and hurt with them. Sometimes I try to think what I would do if my family had been on one of those planes or worked in one of those buildings and even the thought of losing them makes me tear up. If I were counted among the people who lost loved ones that day, I can say with reasonable certainty that I would have given up. I would have completely lost my mind with grief, begged God to take me instead, and would have hated him when he didn’t. But that’s not what they did.
I’m not saying that they have it all together and don’t break sometimes, but these people didn’t give up. They mourned their losses, held tight the ones they still had, and kept living. Through all the pain they had the strength and the courage to keep moving. I have heard it said that courage is not the absence of fear (or in this case pain), but rather having the ability to overcome it. These people had to have more courage in the days following 9/11 than most of us will ever have to have in our entire lives. I pray that I can have even an ounce of their kind of courage in my life.
Really this goes for anyone who suffers and yet perseveres. From the person who’s loved one dies in a car accident to the one diagnosed with cancer and their family, this is just as much for you. So here is to the everyday hero. The men and woman who keep on living despite their pain and loss, to the people who have the strength to keep breathing no matter what life throws at them, to the people who dream even when the future seems bleak. I thank you for the example you set and I pray that God bless and keep you everyday. You Are Heroes!!!
I’m not saying that they have been ignored, because I know a lot has been done and said of them, but today my heart breaks for them as they are once again reminded of their suffering. I weep for the children who not only lost a parent, but never got to know them because they were too little when it happened. I pray for the parents who lost their children and never again get to hold them in their arms. I hurt for the men and woman who said goodbye to their loved ones as they headed off to work thinking they would see them walk through the front door again. I am thankful for the men and woman who gave and continue to give of their lives, but today these are the people I am going to remember most. These people are my heroes.
Calling these people my heroes may seem a bit odd or lofty a placement to many of you, but they are. They are everyday, average Americans that didn’t sign up for a job or life that may someday require them to give their lives for anyone. They were probably thankful for what they had, but wished they could get this next promotion or send their kid to that better school or even just get that girl or guy they like so much to notice them. And then in an instant, none of those things mattered anymore. All those things that annoyed them or that they wanted seemed petty because before they knew what happened, they had lost the most precious people in their lives that can never be replaced. Their whole world came crashing down with those towers.
I can’t begin to imagine their pain because I have never experienced loss like that, but even as a little 6th grader I recognized it in their eyes and hurt with them. Sometimes I try to think what I would do if my family had been on one of those planes or worked in one of those buildings and even the thought of losing them makes me tear up. If I were counted among the people who lost loved ones that day, I can say with reasonable certainty that I would have given up. I would have completely lost my mind with grief, begged God to take me instead, and would have hated him when he didn’t. But that’s not what they did.
I’m not saying that they have it all together and don’t break sometimes, but these people didn’t give up. They mourned their losses, held tight the ones they still had, and kept living. Through all the pain they had the strength and the courage to keep moving. I have heard it said that courage is not the absence of fear (or in this case pain), but rather having the ability to overcome it. These people had to have more courage in the days following 9/11 than most of us will ever have to have in our entire lives. I pray that I can have even an ounce of their kind of courage in my life.
Really this goes for anyone who suffers and yet perseveres. From the person who’s loved one dies in a car accident to the one diagnosed with cancer and their family, this is just as much for you. So here is to the everyday hero. The men and woman who keep on living despite their pain and loss, to the people who have the strength to keep breathing no matter what life throws at them, to the people who dream even when the future seems bleak. I thank you for the example you set and I pray that God bless and keep you everyday. You Are Heroes!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Uncovering Truth in Movies: Questions of the Heart
A lot of times people sort of judge me for how many movies I watch and how many hours I spend watching TV, but what they don’t realize (because they don’t take the time to get to know me, but that’s another story) is that when I watch movies and TV I analyze them. Part of that just comes from being the kind of person I am, but also because I feel that I, and others, can learn a lot about people through this medium. I know that the characters are not real, but the people behind them and that created them are. Just because it is a work of fiction doesn’t mean parts of it aren’t real.
There are a few particular things that I keep seeing pop up that have really caught my attention in regards to women in movies and TV. Many people are critical of the way woman are treated in these mediums, but if you really look close you see that most depictions are not that far off. Even those that are more obscure or stereotyped still hit on some truths.
The specific things that I am thinking of are actually questions that female characters often ask. Am I desirable? They may ask it in different ways like: Do you think I’m beautiful? Why doesn’t he want me? Do you love me? Or even, why don’t you love me? These seem like the super dramatic and needy kinds of questions, but the truth is that every woman wants to know the answer to these questions. Some of us may not say it out loud because we don’t know how or are afraid, but deep down we are all crying out for an answer. Am I wanted?
But it doesn’t end with that. That question then leads into, Why? What do you love about me? Why do you think I’m beautiful? Doesn’t matter if the answer to the above questions are yes or no, we need to know why. I don’t care how “strong” the woman is or about her primary love language, at least once in her life she will long to be told the answers to these questions. Doesn’t matter if her relationship is better than ever or on the rocks, she needs to know (in depth) what makes her special.
I may be citing movies and TV as a source of these questions, but I hear them everyday when woman think no one is listening. From friends who have just gone through a breakup to the girl talking on her phone as she walks down the street telling the person on the other end about her boyfriend who treats her like crap to the girl sitting on the bus looking longingly at the couple sitting a few seats down as if to ask, why not me? The women we sometimes laugh at in movies because of their “desperation” or “neediness” are not fictitious characters, but rather the very women in your life.
I can’t tell you why we are like this, to be honest I don’t think that it’s important; I just know that it is sewn into the very fabric of who we are. It starts from early on in our lives when little girls ask their mommies, “Don’t I look pretty?” And from then on it never stops.
A Krystal Myers’ song says it well, “We all long to belong/we all need to be needed/loneliness is our disease.” Her song is talking about people in general, but I know that for sure that this depicts a woman’s heart. Or to name of few movies and shows that come to me off the top of my head: He’s just not that into you, Stardust, Rome and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, When in Rome, Letters to Juliet, Grey’s Anatomy, Off the Map, and others.
I know that chances are guys feel a lot of the same things we do, but I can’t speak for them…cause I’m not one of them. I mostly look at it in the perspective of woman because I am one, but also because I am talking about it in relation to movies and TV and woman are the ones that seek those answers the most.
There are really three reasons that I wrote this. The first being that I find these observations interesting and thought you might too, second is that I think that at least acknowledging them is important and last but not least is that I hope the next time you watch a movie or turn on the TV you will look past the obvious and see the little bits of truth present in everything.
There are a few particular things that I keep seeing pop up that have really caught my attention in regards to women in movies and TV. Many people are critical of the way woman are treated in these mediums, but if you really look close you see that most depictions are not that far off. Even those that are more obscure or stereotyped still hit on some truths.
The specific things that I am thinking of are actually questions that female characters often ask. Am I desirable? They may ask it in different ways like: Do you think I’m beautiful? Why doesn’t he want me? Do you love me? Or even, why don’t you love me? These seem like the super dramatic and needy kinds of questions, but the truth is that every woman wants to know the answer to these questions. Some of us may not say it out loud because we don’t know how or are afraid, but deep down we are all crying out for an answer. Am I wanted?
But it doesn’t end with that. That question then leads into, Why? What do you love about me? Why do you think I’m beautiful? Doesn’t matter if the answer to the above questions are yes or no, we need to know why. I don’t care how “strong” the woman is or about her primary love language, at least once in her life she will long to be told the answers to these questions. Doesn’t matter if her relationship is better than ever or on the rocks, she needs to know (in depth) what makes her special.
I may be citing movies and TV as a source of these questions, but I hear them everyday when woman think no one is listening. From friends who have just gone through a breakup to the girl talking on her phone as she walks down the street telling the person on the other end about her boyfriend who treats her like crap to the girl sitting on the bus looking longingly at the couple sitting a few seats down as if to ask, why not me? The women we sometimes laugh at in movies because of their “desperation” or “neediness” are not fictitious characters, but rather the very women in your life.
I can’t tell you why we are like this, to be honest I don’t think that it’s important; I just know that it is sewn into the very fabric of who we are. It starts from early on in our lives when little girls ask their mommies, “Don’t I look pretty?” And from then on it never stops.
A Krystal Myers’ song says it well, “We all long to belong/we all need to be needed/loneliness is our disease.” Her song is talking about people in general, but I know that for sure that this depicts a woman’s heart. Or to name of few movies and shows that come to me off the top of my head: He’s just not that into you, Stardust, Rome and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, When in Rome, Letters to Juliet, Grey’s Anatomy, Off the Map, and others.
I know that chances are guys feel a lot of the same things we do, but I can’t speak for them…cause I’m not one of them. I mostly look at it in the perspective of woman because I am one, but also because I am talking about it in relation to movies and TV and woman are the ones that seek those answers the most.
There are really three reasons that I wrote this. The first being that I find these observations interesting and thought you might too, second is that I think that at least acknowledging them is important and last but not least is that I hope the next time you watch a movie or turn on the TV you will look past the obvious and see the little bits of truth present in everything.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Love Part 3: A Different View of Romance
So as promised, here is part 3 of my February Love series. Now, this post is different then the others because this one is EVEN more a matter of my opinion. Yes, I know everything on this blog is my opinion, but this is especially so. Today I am going to talk a little bit about ROMANCE.
Those closest to me know that I am hugely, ridiculously, in love with romance. The thing that people often don’t realize is that my idea of romance is often very different than people would guess. I hope to help you all to get to know me a little better AND perhaps show you a different way of looking at romance.
So if a guy was ever to say to me that, “it was love at first sight,” or that, “we were destined to be together,” I would find that to be a rather big turn off. First off, I would know he was lying because I am not “that” kind of person. Second, I find those statements to be the very thing that kills romance. I know that sounds harsh, but I do have a rational behind it.
Love at first sight is a chemical reaction and that is fleeting and ever changing. I can buy that someone found a person to be attractive or intriguing the first time they saw them, but I can’t believe that it was love. I know that most often this is more of an expression, but I still find it super unromantic. Now I am more forgiving if someone says this, but I HATE when people use this next phrase.
When someone says, “we were destined,” or that, “we were meant to be,” I cringe. Statements like that make it sound like, “whelp, guess it’s you and me because that’s just the way it is.” YUCK!! I would never want anyone to be with me because that’s just the way it is SUPPOSE to be. I want the man I’m with to look at me and say, “you are beautiful and out of the MILLIONS of women in the world, I CHOSE YOU. Everyday I wake up and I choose to LOVE YOU. You’re the ONE I want.” To me, those words are so powerful and beautiful. Those words make me feel desirable. Love is hard and takes effort and when I meet the guy that I want to be with or marry, I want our relationship to be founded on something stronger than hormones. I mean really I want it to be founded in God and our love to be a reflection of his love for the church, but in this context I want it to be based in a choice. Which really does have to do with God because He often talks about how He CHOSE us before time began. There is just something about someone loving who you are so much that they would deny all other woman to be with you. THAT to me is romantic.
Now when it comes to wooing or romancing someone, the thing that one must keep in mind is that there is NO template. Every person is different and the way they are romanced is no exception. The only way you are going to woo someone is if you KNOW them. For example: a guy could be super gushy and say and do all the romantic stuff he wants to me and I would melt, but for my sister that would be a HUGE turn off. Her idea of romance (if I am wrong she can correct me) is curling up together with a glass of wine, after a nice cooked meal, and reading a good book together. He can buy her flowers or make her something, but if he gets too mushy, gushy then they’ve crosses the line.
As every person has a different love language, every person has a different romance style. If you really want to show someone that you love them, show them that you KNOW them. Everyone wants to be known in INTIMATELY, and showing that you know their love language and romance style demonstrates that. Romancing someone is just one way to show them how well you KNOW and LOVE them.
Those closest to me know that I am hugely, ridiculously, in love with romance. The thing that people often don’t realize is that my idea of romance is often very different than people would guess. I hope to help you all to get to know me a little better AND perhaps show you a different way of looking at romance.
So if a guy was ever to say to me that, “it was love at first sight,” or that, “we were destined to be together,” I would find that to be a rather big turn off. First off, I would know he was lying because I am not “that” kind of person. Second, I find those statements to be the very thing that kills romance. I know that sounds harsh, but I do have a rational behind it.
Love at first sight is a chemical reaction and that is fleeting and ever changing. I can buy that someone found a person to be attractive or intriguing the first time they saw them, but I can’t believe that it was love. I know that most often this is more of an expression, but I still find it super unromantic. Now I am more forgiving if someone says this, but I HATE when people use this next phrase.
When someone says, “we were destined,” or that, “we were meant to be,” I cringe. Statements like that make it sound like, “whelp, guess it’s you and me because that’s just the way it is.” YUCK!! I would never want anyone to be with me because that’s just the way it is SUPPOSE to be. I want the man I’m with to look at me and say, “you are beautiful and out of the MILLIONS of women in the world, I CHOSE YOU. Everyday I wake up and I choose to LOVE YOU. You’re the ONE I want.” To me, those words are so powerful and beautiful. Those words make me feel desirable. Love is hard and takes effort and when I meet the guy that I want to be with or marry, I want our relationship to be founded on something stronger than hormones. I mean really I want it to be founded in God and our love to be a reflection of his love for the church, but in this context I want it to be based in a choice. Which really does have to do with God because He often talks about how He CHOSE us before time began. There is just something about someone loving who you are so much that they would deny all other woman to be with you. THAT to me is romantic.
Now when it comes to wooing or romancing someone, the thing that one must keep in mind is that there is NO template. Every person is different and the way they are romanced is no exception. The only way you are going to woo someone is if you KNOW them. For example: a guy could be super gushy and say and do all the romantic stuff he wants to me and I would melt, but for my sister that would be a HUGE turn off. Her idea of romance (if I am wrong she can correct me) is curling up together with a glass of wine, after a nice cooked meal, and reading a good book together. He can buy her flowers or make her something, but if he gets too mushy, gushy then they’ve crosses the line.
As every person has a different love language, every person has a different romance style. If you really want to show someone that you love them, show them that you KNOW them. Everyone wants to be known in INTIMATELY, and showing that you know their love language and romance style demonstrates that. Romancing someone is just one way to show them how well you KNOW and LOVE them.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Love Part 2: The Value of Valentines Day
So as I thought more and more about this month’s festivities, I decided that this topic of love would become a three part series; this being part two. Part one was about the meaning of Love, but this part is about Valentines Day as a holiday. What is its value?
So for a long time I have hated Valentines Day. Mostly because I am a romantic with no one to romance or be romanced by, but this year something changed. Not my relationship status, but rather my attitude and outlook. Believe it or not, one of the big things that changed my attitude was a scene from this week’s episode of Glee (yes I’m a nerd). There is a moment when two of the characters in the show are talking about Valentines Day and one says that he hates it, but the other says something about how it is a day that gives you courage to say how you feel about someone. At first I just thought that it was a cute sentiment, but then I thought about it in more personal way. Peter, forgive me if you read this and are embarrassed.
364 days out of the year my brother is not all that romantic, but the 14th of February hits and he pulls out all the stops. This year he has planned out a beautiful, immaculate, and romantic meal for this girl he likes. He has planned an appetizer, main course, dessert, and even a cocktail that he ordered a special garnish for way in advance. As he was describing this menu to me over the phone all I could think was, “I just wish a guy would buy me a box of chocolates!” Now don’t get me wrong, my brother has his moments the 364 days of the year, but it seems that there is just something about Valentines Day that gives him and guys like him a chance to lay it all out on the line. To be honest, I LOVE IT!!!
Part of me still longs for the Valentines Day when a man takes this day to try a woo me, but for now I will enjoy watching and listening to the stories of the people around me. And by no means do I think that this day should replace all the “I love you” moments of the rest of the year, but I do see it as a beautiful day in which people are given the courage to prepare “big acts” of love, emotion, or feeling (all depending on the place each couple is in their relationship).
Yes, I do think that Valentines Day has become very commercialized. Yet, if we take into consideration my last post (redefining Love) and combine it with Valentines Day, then commercialism shouldn’t matter. It is not about how much you spend on your gift, but rather how much of YOURSELF you put into it. If a guy cooked a meal for me like my brother is cooking for this girl, I wouldn’t be thinking, “wow. He must care cause he paid a lot for this food,” I would be thinking, “WOW. He must care a lot because of how much TIME he has spent on ME.”
I know that much of this probably seemed random and scatter brained and super cheese-tastic, but I just wanted to take a minute to recognize that there IS value in Valentines Day (something that I have often ignored). I also wanted to say that anyone can give a box of chocolates or a teddy bear, but it takes a person who really cares to give of themselves. So, I encourage you this year to give of yourself to the ones you love. Happy Valentines Day. ^_^
So for a long time I have hated Valentines Day. Mostly because I am a romantic with no one to romance or be romanced by, but this year something changed. Not my relationship status, but rather my attitude and outlook. Believe it or not, one of the big things that changed my attitude was a scene from this week’s episode of Glee (yes I’m a nerd). There is a moment when two of the characters in the show are talking about Valentines Day and one says that he hates it, but the other says something about how it is a day that gives you courage to say how you feel about someone. At first I just thought that it was a cute sentiment, but then I thought about it in more personal way. Peter, forgive me if you read this and are embarrassed.
364 days out of the year my brother is not all that romantic, but the 14th of February hits and he pulls out all the stops. This year he has planned out a beautiful, immaculate, and romantic meal for this girl he likes. He has planned an appetizer, main course, dessert, and even a cocktail that he ordered a special garnish for way in advance. As he was describing this menu to me over the phone all I could think was, “I just wish a guy would buy me a box of chocolates!” Now don’t get me wrong, my brother has his moments the 364 days of the year, but it seems that there is just something about Valentines Day that gives him and guys like him a chance to lay it all out on the line. To be honest, I LOVE IT!!!
Part of me still longs for the Valentines Day when a man takes this day to try a woo me, but for now I will enjoy watching and listening to the stories of the people around me. And by no means do I think that this day should replace all the “I love you” moments of the rest of the year, but I do see it as a beautiful day in which people are given the courage to prepare “big acts” of love, emotion, or feeling (all depending on the place each couple is in their relationship).
Yes, I do think that Valentines Day has become very commercialized. Yet, if we take into consideration my last post (redefining Love) and combine it with Valentines Day, then commercialism shouldn’t matter. It is not about how much you spend on your gift, but rather how much of YOURSELF you put into it. If a guy cooked a meal for me like my brother is cooking for this girl, I wouldn’t be thinking, “wow. He must care cause he paid a lot for this food,” I would be thinking, “WOW. He must care a lot because of how much TIME he has spent on ME.”
I know that much of this probably seemed random and scatter brained and super cheese-tastic, but I just wanted to take a minute to recognize that there IS value in Valentines Day (something that I have often ignored). I also wanted to say that anyone can give a box of chocolates or a teddy bear, but it takes a person who really cares to give of themselves. So, I encourage you this year to give of yourself to the ones you love. Happy Valentines Day. ^_^
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