Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in life. The words are easy to say, but the rest of what comes with is not so. There have been countless times in my life where someone has said, “I’m sorry,” or “Please forgive me,” and I have said I did, but when it really came down to it; I was still holding on. It was like I had this cut on my arm that started to scab and heal, but I kept picking at it. This prevents the cut from fully healing or at least leaves me with a nasty scar when it finally does. If I take the proper steps my cut will heal and if it even leaves a scar, it will be a small one.
Here are a few verses and quotes I found on the subject before I give a personal anecdote:
Proverbs 19:11
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Colossians 3:13
13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese
There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. ~Sydney Harris
So here is my take on the subject from personal experience. Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is a FORWARD motion. True forgiveness is allowing both you and the person who has “wronged” you to move forward. Continually dwelling on and holding on to it really just causes both people to suffer. Most of the time WE prevent our own healing.
I know that I am young, but I have had A LOT of experience when it comes to people causing pain and how hard true forgiveness really is. In middle school I was broken by the rejection of the people who were suppose to be my friends, I had people tell secrets that I had entrusted to them to everyone they could, I’ve let people passed my “walls” only to have them turn their backs on me, and so on and so on. I am no stranger to the destructive power of others, but over the past two years God has been revealing to me his healing power. It isn’t a passive process people. You don’t just say, “I forgive you,” and then pray that God heals your wounds; that is part of it, but true healing is an active process.
With all the pain and brokenness of my past, I prayed for years that God would bring healing into my life; particularly in one friendship of mine that had barely been holding on for the last 2 years or so. There were times when I would get so angry at even just the thought of what happened or on occasion find myself crying, and that was after we had both apologized. What I didn’t realize until a year ago was that we were lacking the most important part, moving forward. Once we did, it allowed us both to heal and it is what saved our friendship. She and I haven’t forgotten what happened and never will, it is part of what has come to define me (the process of healing), but we’ve moved on to bigger and better things. We made a mess, but instead of standing there in it saying, “Well this really sucks,” we stepped forward out of it all and started fresh.
True forgiveness is not easy, but the best things in life never are. Holding on to the issue not only hurts you, but it hurts them. They asked for forgiveness so that they could move forward, but YOU are preventing THEM from being able to do that. Nobody, no matter how much we wish they were, is perfect. Everyone in your life is going to let you down or hurt you at some point in your life no matter how hard you try to prevent it, BUT what you can control is what YOU do when it happens. Are you going to dwell on it, gossip, and hold you and them hostage with it or are you going to forgive them, love them, and move forward? These are the moments that define us. Who will you choose to be?
I leave you with this one last quote to chew on:
Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Media Revolution
I was sitting in Church yesterday when a week of conversations and messages came together in my head and gave me this revelation. The specifics are: a couple conversations about the media’s portrayal of Christians and how frustrating they are, Steven’s talk at IV on Matthew 5:17-20, and the continuing series of Habakkuk at Grace. It may sound a little angry so forgive me. I’m just kind of passionate about this kind of thing. So here is what I wrote…during church.
The struggle of the church is really not different today than thousands of years ago (as most people know). In Habakkuk the church had become permissive and promotive of sin. As God sent the Babylonians to punish and expose the faults of the church then, I feel as though God gave us the media to do the same for us today.
As Christians we complain about the media’s depiction of us. We demand and pray that they will stop and show who we really are. Part of my reasoning for going in film was to change just that, but what I have come to realize is that they are not the ones that need to change; we are.
If we really “practiced what we preached” and lived “Christ-like,” what would they have to criticize? We are depicted as hypocritical and judgmental and though most are not, the loud ones are. In soccer we have the saying, “whoever yells loudest gets the ball.” Those who are Christ-like need to become the loudest. Not with words, but with deeds. If we really believe that we are to live this calling, then we need to do it. It sounds like a tall order, but it is biblical.
I know it is harder than just saying all this and telling you, “okay. Now go do it.” So I will explain a few of the things in particular that I am talking about. We need to LOVE without conditions, FORGIVE the unforgiveable, stop being hypocrites, but most of all be HUMBLE. We are not above non-believers, we are set apart from them; big difference. God meets us where we are at and then challenges us to be more. We should be allowing God do this in us, but also through us. WE should be meeting people where they are at and challenging them to be more.
We need to stop calling for change and actually do it. It has been said, “Be the change you want to see.” As cliché as that is, it is also true. You want the world to know truth? Then start living it. The revolution starts with each of us.
The struggle of the church is really not different today than thousands of years ago (as most people know). In Habakkuk the church had become permissive and promotive of sin. As God sent the Babylonians to punish and expose the faults of the church then, I feel as though God gave us the media to do the same for us today.
As Christians we complain about the media’s depiction of us. We demand and pray that they will stop and show who we really are. Part of my reasoning for going in film was to change just that, but what I have come to realize is that they are not the ones that need to change; we are.
If we really “practiced what we preached” and lived “Christ-like,” what would they have to criticize? We are depicted as hypocritical and judgmental and though most are not, the loud ones are. In soccer we have the saying, “whoever yells loudest gets the ball.” Those who are Christ-like need to become the loudest. Not with words, but with deeds. If we really believe that we are to live this calling, then we need to do it. It sounds like a tall order, but it is biblical.
I know it is harder than just saying all this and telling you, “okay. Now go do it.” So I will explain a few of the things in particular that I am talking about. We need to LOVE without conditions, FORGIVE the unforgiveable, stop being hypocrites, but most of all be HUMBLE. We are not above non-believers, we are set apart from them; big difference. God meets us where we are at and then challenges us to be more. We should be allowing God do this in us, but also through us. WE should be meeting people where they are at and challenging them to be more.
We need to stop calling for change and actually do it. It has been said, “Be the change you want to see.” As cliché as that is, it is also true. You want the world to know truth? Then start living it. The revolution starts with each of us.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Remember, Remember the 11th of September...
I was only 11 years old when it happened. The night before, I went to bed and the biggest evil I had ever seen or experienced was the torment of 6th grade. I went to sleep in one world only to wake in another.
When I drowsily walked out of my room that morning, my mom was standing in front of the T.V. She almost never had the T.V. on, especially before school. She was standing there crying as her eyes stayed locked on the screen. I came around and into view of the picture that had my mom so horrified. I don’t remember if anything was ever said between us, all I can remember is standing there captivated and confused. What was I looking at? Black smoke billowed from the building, people were screaming and crying, and then the camera followed as a man threw himself from the building. Things had been hard for me that year and at times I thought it was the end of the world, but that day something changed; I no longer felt safe. I was on the opposite side of the country, but the fear took over. That day when she dropped me off at school, I hugged my mom a little longer.
It took a long time, but soon I decided that I had to stop being afraid. The more I was afraid, the more “they” won. I decided it was time to fight back. I am not a member of the military, I am not a politician, police officer, or a fireman. I am an AMERICAN. I am not just any American either, I am proud American. I am thankful for the rights our constitution grants us and I will do my part to preserve them. I am grateful to all those who have fought for me; from the revolution to those enlisting or in ROTC now. I thank God for all He has given. My two weapons against those who attacked: I will be a patriot and I will never forget. My hope is that everyone give honor where honor is due.
When I drowsily walked out of my room that morning, my mom was standing in front of the T.V. She almost never had the T.V. on, especially before school. She was standing there crying as her eyes stayed locked on the screen. I came around and into view of the picture that had my mom so horrified. I don’t remember if anything was ever said between us, all I can remember is standing there captivated and confused. What was I looking at? Black smoke billowed from the building, people were screaming and crying, and then the camera followed as a man threw himself from the building. Things had been hard for me that year and at times I thought it was the end of the world, but that day something changed; I no longer felt safe. I was on the opposite side of the country, but the fear took over. That day when she dropped me off at school, I hugged my mom a little longer.
It took a long time, but soon I decided that I had to stop being afraid. The more I was afraid, the more “they” won. I decided it was time to fight back. I am not a member of the military, I am not a politician, police officer, or a fireman. I am an AMERICAN. I am not just any American either, I am proud American. I am thankful for the rights our constitution grants us and I will do my part to preserve them. I am grateful to all those who have fought for me; from the revolution to those enlisting or in ROTC now. I thank God for all He has given. My two weapons against those who attacked: I will be a patriot and I will never forget. My hope is that everyone give honor where honor is due.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
China: Opportunity Needs and Answer
When they told us not to expect much because we were there to soften soil, I think God laughed. In my mind I can hear him saying, "Just wait and see what I have planned." Cause that's how it all happened. It was all God and all HIS plan. I merely took the opportunities He set in front of me.
My first roommate and I barely talked the first few days we were together. We were both the kind of people who are shy when put in new situations, but God knew what He was doing even when I didn't. But one night when she saw me reading my Bible everything changed. She knew a lot about Moses, but she wanted me to read the whole story to her from the Bible. We talked until then next thing you know we looked at the clock and it read 1am. It didn't stop there; the next night we talked and read until 2:30am. She was having boy trouble, which I don't have very much experience with, but I was able to share how I find my worth in God and not boys. I told her that people can stop loving me, but God never does. That's when she decided that she NEEDED a Bible.
In China the only place you can get a Bible is the registered churches and so the next day I left our field trip early and she and I went into the city to get her a Bible. After awhile we found the church and there were a lot of people there. It was Saturday night and as it turned out that is when they hold their service. They took us to the front row for the last ten minutes of the service. When it was over I was thinking that she was going to want to get out of there with the Bible they gave her and get on with the night, this was her first time in a church, but SHE asked me if it was okay if we stayed and talked to people for a bit. We were there for two hours.
Our week together as roommates was up, but God was not done with her and she was definitely still hungry for Him. She and I began to meet, read, and talk about the Bible together. We read more about Moses, then Philippians, a little about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and then finally the beginning of Jesus' life. She would have read all day if it were up to her.
As the weeks went on God presented opportunities to talked to just about every person that I lived with. If I told you it was easy, I would be lying. I had never done anything like this before and had honestly not expected Him to use me like this in China. Three prayers I had, had for the last year were being answered right in front of me. He was changing me and I didn't even know it yet.
At the beginning of our last week together, God was ready to call her to Himself. She and I had been reading for three hours when one of the other members of the team members, Emily, and I asked her to pray about becoming a Christ follower and a member of the family of believers. She allowed us to lay hands on her and pray as we sent her off to listen for God's voice.
After she left, we let everyone what was going on and we all prayed for her. As this was going on people kept telling me "Good job" and such, but all I could say was that it wasn't me. I just talked and the rest was God. That is when Emily told me that I was Holy Anointed; that God was using me because I was obedient. I had been praying that God would give me His spirit so that I could do His work and He had, I just hadn't realized it. It wasn't a big show or anything, it was simple. He doesn't need fireworks to change the world.
The biggest decision of her life took only two days. There really is no better way to explain her heart, but with her own words. She said to me, "It is a big decision, but I know that it is right. He has given me peace." So big and yet so simple. That was always her way of putting things.
The team got together with her the next night to pray and celebrate. We laid hands on her and prayed, taught her the song "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus," and she told her testimony to us. She talked about how she had always been taught not to have any belief, about not having peace and her search for it, but the words that followed I don't think anyone on the team will ever forget. "And then I met you," she said with a smile. Her search for peace ended when we brought Jesus into her life. God had a plan the whole time. She had a God shaped whole in her heart and His plan was to send us so that we could show her. God exceeds all expectations except one; that He always has a plan for us.
I was really nervous about the whole opening up to people I don't know and prayed that God would help me. I am not very good at letting people I have known for a long time past my walls, but I allowed God to use my experiences and vulnerability to break down the walls within me and turn them into bridges. They became bridges that changed my life, the people around me, and in turn He used them to change His Kingdom.
There was one more prayer He had answered, but I hadn't noticed yet. As we were in our week of debrief I said something without really thinking about it that was an, "Oh" moment. I told someone that this trip has shown me that God can use even me. As I said this my mind shot back to reading about Moses. She kept going back to that story because God was waiting for me to see His answer to my prayer. God called Moses to do great things, things he wasn't sure he could do. Moses was scared and kept telling God that He had the wrong guy. At one point he even says, "who am I?" You see God's reply is the same to me as it was to him, "I will be with you."
For a longtime I had been praying for confidence, but more so confidence in Christ and Moses was the answer. I had answered a call I felt unequipped and unqualified for. I asked God, "who am I?" I went despite my fear and inadequacies and all the while He was with me.
Moses said yes to the opportunity that God set before him and it changed the world. I said yes and it changed lives in China, but also mine. Opportunity is about being obedient and letting God change the world through you while He does His work in you. I guess the only questions left are , "What opportunities has God given you?" and "How will you answer?"
My first roommate and I barely talked the first few days we were together. We were both the kind of people who are shy when put in new situations, but God knew what He was doing even when I didn't. But one night when she saw me reading my Bible everything changed. She knew a lot about Moses, but she wanted me to read the whole story to her from the Bible. We talked until then next thing you know we looked at the clock and it read 1am. It didn't stop there; the next night we talked and read until 2:30am. She was having boy trouble, which I don't have very much experience with, but I was able to share how I find my worth in God and not boys. I told her that people can stop loving me, but God never does. That's when she decided that she NEEDED a Bible.
In China the only place you can get a Bible is the registered churches and so the next day I left our field trip early and she and I went into the city to get her a Bible. After awhile we found the church and there were a lot of people there. It was Saturday night and as it turned out that is when they hold their service. They took us to the front row for the last ten minutes of the service. When it was over I was thinking that she was going to want to get out of there with the Bible they gave her and get on with the night, this was her first time in a church, but SHE asked me if it was okay if we stayed and talked to people for a bit. We were there for two hours.
Our week together as roommates was up, but God was not done with her and she was definitely still hungry for Him. She and I began to meet, read, and talk about the Bible together. We read more about Moses, then Philippians, a little about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and then finally the beginning of Jesus' life. She would have read all day if it were up to her.
As the weeks went on God presented opportunities to talked to just about every person that I lived with. If I told you it was easy, I would be lying. I had never done anything like this before and had honestly not expected Him to use me like this in China. Three prayers I had, had for the last year were being answered right in front of me. He was changing me and I didn't even know it yet.
At the beginning of our last week together, God was ready to call her to Himself. She and I had been reading for three hours when one of the other members of the team members, Emily, and I asked her to pray about becoming a Christ follower and a member of the family of believers. She allowed us to lay hands on her and pray as we sent her off to listen for God's voice.
After she left, we let everyone what was going on and we all prayed for her. As this was going on people kept telling me "Good job" and such, but all I could say was that it wasn't me. I just talked and the rest was God. That is when Emily told me that I was Holy Anointed; that God was using me because I was obedient. I had been praying that God would give me His spirit so that I could do His work and He had, I just hadn't realized it. It wasn't a big show or anything, it was simple. He doesn't need fireworks to change the world.
The biggest decision of her life took only two days. There really is no better way to explain her heart, but with her own words. She said to me, "It is a big decision, but I know that it is right. He has given me peace." So big and yet so simple. That was always her way of putting things.
The team got together with her the next night to pray and celebrate. We laid hands on her and prayed, taught her the song "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus," and she told her testimony to us. She talked about how she had always been taught not to have any belief, about not having peace and her search for it, but the words that followed I don't think anyone on the team will ever forget. "And then I met you," she said with a smile. Her search for peace ended when we brought Jesus into her life. God had a plan the whole time. She had a God shaped whole in her heart and His plan was to send us so that we could show her. God exceeds all expectations except one; that He always has a plan for us.
I was really nervous about the whole opening up to people I don't know and prayed that God would help me. I am not very good at letting people I have known for a long time past my walls, but I allowed God to use my experiences and vulnerability to break down the walls within me and turn them into bridges. They became bridges that changed my life, the people around me, and in turn He used them to change His Kingdom.
There was one more prayer He had answered, but I hadn't noticed yet. As we were in our week of debrief I said something without really thinking about it that was an, "Oh" moment. I told someone that this trip has shown me that God can use even me. As I said this my mind shot back to reading about Moses. She kept going back to that story because God was waiting for me to see His answer to my prayer. God called Moses to do great things, things he wasn't sure he could do. Moses was scared and kept telling God that He had the wrong guy. At one point he even says, "who am I?" You see God's reply is the same to me as it was to him, "I will be with you."
For a longtime I had been praying for confidence, but more so confidence in Christ and Moses was the answer. I had answered a call I felt unequipped and unqualified for. I asked God, "who am I?" I went despite my fear and inadequacies and all the while He was with me.
Moses said yes to the opportunity that God set before him and it changed the world. I said yes and it changed lives in China, but also mine. Opportunity is about being obedient and letting God change the world through you while He does His work in you. I guess the only questions left are , "What opportunities has God given you?" and "How will you answer?"
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Two Big Questions = Two Big Changes.
Sorry it has taken so long to get something on here. I had a lot of thoughts to organize. This post is a revised version of somethings that I wrote while there and am now mashing together. So if at times it is jumbled, I am sorry I tried to eliminate that, but I can't always win. ^_~
Acts 16:6-40
The question that comes to my mind when reading this is, "What am I willing to endure for the cause of Christ?" Am I willing to endure the small as well as the big? The heat and the discomfort as well as the fear of imprisonment and death?
Often people view suffering as a sign of being out of the will of God, but I see things much differently. If I am suffering or going through a trial, I am probably doing something right! If I wasn't a threat to the enemy, he wouldn't waste his time on me.
Another thought that this brings is the fact that I myself find it easier to turn to God in hard times that when they are easy. When things are going well it is easy for me to feel like I am the one who is in control and become complacent and apathetic in my faith. It may sound odd to most, but I sometimes long to struggle so that I might better feel the embrace of God. When I struggle the only place left for me to look is up. The challenge for me is to turn and trust in God for the little as well as the big things that I experience in life.
Philippians
The question that I have to ask myself here is, "What will it take for me to regard others like Paul regarded the church in Philippi?" He loved them with a deep passion, thought about them all the time, prayed for them just as much, and longed to be with them again. This was a big question for me in regards to my Chinese students this last month and a half.
It is always a hard thing for me to do; letting people in. I am not the most open and vulnerable person. I have a hard time being that with people I have known all my life and in China I found myself in a situation where I had to be that with people I was meeting for the first time. Not exactly on my list of top 10 things I love to do.
I think the only people that I long for and love with all my heart like Paul, is my family. But as I sat in my room in China and wrote that last sentence in my journal it hit me. That is the answer. I have to regard others as FAMILY. Jesus calls the body to be a family and the only way we can do that is if we actually consider each other that way. WE have to invest in each other. We only get out what we put in.
In China I tried putting this into action and the results were beyond anything that I could have imagined. I allowed God to use my experiences and vulnerability to break down the walls within me and turn them into bridges. They became bridges that changed my life, the people around me, and in turn He used them to change His Kingdom.
There are so many things that God showed me during my time in China. He changed the way I see others and myself. I am not a member of a religion or a church, I am a member of a global family. One that is growing everyday and I was allowed the honor of being a part of that. God SENT ME to do His work so that He could do His work IN ME. ^_^
Acts 16:6-40
The question that comes to my mind when reading this is, "What am I willing to endure for the cause of Christ?" Am I willing to endure the small as well as the big? The heat and the discomfort as well as the fear of imprisonment and death?
Often people view suffering as a sign of being out of the will of God, but I see things much differently. If I am suffering or going through a trial, I am probably doing something right! If I wasn't a threat to the enemy, he wouldn't waste his time on me.
Another thought that this brings is the fact that I myself find it easier to turn to God in hard times that when they are easy. When things are going well it is easy for me to feel like I am the one who is in control and become complacent and apathetic in my faith. It may sound odd to most, but I sometimes long to struggle so that I might better feel the embrace of God. When I struggle the only place left for me to look is up. The challenge for me is to turn and trust in God for the little as well as the big things that I experience in life.
Philippians
The question that I have to ask myself here is, "What will it take for me to regard others like Paul regarded the church in Philippi?" He loved them with a deep passion, thought about them all the time, prayed for them just as much, and longed to be with them again. This was a big question for me in regards to my Chinese students this last month and a half.
It is always a hard thing for me to do; letting people in. I am not the most open and vulnerable person. I have a hard time being that with people I have known all my life and in China I found myself in a situation where I had to be that with people I was meeting for the first time. Not exactly on my list of top 10 things I love to do.
I think the only people that I long for and love with all my heart like Paul, is my family. But as I sat in my room in China and wrote that last sentence in my journal it hit me. That is the answer. I have to regard others as FAMILY. Jesus calls the body to be a family and the only way we can do that is if we actually consider each other that way. WE have to invest in each other. We only get out what we put in.
In China I tried putting this into action and the results were beyond anything that I could have imagined. I allowed God to use my experiences and vulnerability to break down the walls within me and turn them into bridges. They became bridges that changed my life, the people around me, and in turn He used them to change His Kingdom.
There are so many things that God showed me during my time in China. He changed the way I see others and myself. I am not a member of a religion or a church, I am a member of a global family. One that is growing everyday and I was allowed the honor of being a part of that. God SENT ME to do His work so that He could do His work IN ME. ^_^
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Silver Lining
As I have been preparing for this trip to East Asia, I have come to realize some things about my personality. I use to be a germaphobic, hypochondriac, afraid of failure, well for that matter all around afraid to do anything. It stopped me from living, but I have to admit that there is a silver lining to everything. You can’t always see it right away through the pain, fear, anger, or hardship, but it is there waiting for YOU to discover it.
That 7 year period of time I have looked back on with hate and disgust, but as time goes and I reflect on it I learn more and more about who I am, who I don’t want to be, and who I want to strive to be. For if I hadn’t gone through all that I might be more apathetic, but instead I am hungry for life and what it has to offer. So this may seem strange, but I am in awe of how my Father is using my past and its wounds to help heal me.
So my latest discovery is that I am a boy scout. I know that because I am a girl I should be calling myself a girl scout, but I don’t know anything about the girl scouts (other than they sell some of the most delicious cookies ever) and so I don’t know if they’re mentality is the same. So I am packing and I just keep thinking, “Always be prepared. I just want to be prepared.” There are aspects of this trip that bother me because I don’t know how to prepare for them. I have spent some time stressing about it, but on the eve of this adventure I realized something VERY important. It is an ADVENTURE. When you go on an adventure you can’t really be prepared for everything that is going to be thrown your way. Some of my favorite things to talk about are all the injuries I have gotten over the years from soccer. I was not prepared for any of them, they hurt, some of them were scary, but I always got back on the field and played through it.
So I have realized that I need to be the soccer player AND the boy scout. There is nothing wrong with being prepared, but when I do take a hit I need to get back up and keep playing; even through the pain. It is and never will be easy, there are times I have to remind myself daily not to let my past stop me or not to fall back into it, but my greatest tools are hope and confidence in a Father who will help me up and teach me how heal my battle scares. There is always is always a silver lining, we just need to wipe the tears from our eyes so that we can see it. ^_^
That 7 year period of time I have looked back on with hate and disgust, but as time goes and I reflect on it I learn more and more about who I am, who I don’t want to be, and who I want to strive to be. For if I hadn’t gone through all that I might be more apathetic, but instead I am hungry for life and what it has to offer. So this may seem strange, but I am in awe of how my Father is using my past and its wounds to help heal me.
So my latest discovery is that I am a boy scout. I know that because I am a girl I should be calling myself a girl scout, but I don’t know anything about the girl scouts (other than they sell some of the most delicious cookies ever) and so I don’t know if they’re mentality is the same. So I am packing and I just keep thinking, “Always be prepared. I just want to be prepared.” There are aspects of this trip that bother me because I don’t know how to prepare for them. I have spent some time stressing about it, but on the eve of this adventure I realized something VERY important. It is an ADVENTURE. When you go on an adventure you can’t really be prepared for everything that is going to be thrown your way. Some of my favorite things to talk about are all the injuries I have gotten over the years from soccer. I was not prepared for any of them, they hurt, some of them were scary, but I always got back on the field and played through it.
So I have realized that I need to be the soccer player AND the boy scout. There is nothing wrong with being prepared, but when I do take a hit I need to get back up and keep playing; even through the pain. It is and never will be easy, there are times I have to remind myself daily not to let my past stop me or not to fall back into it, but my greatest tools are hope and confidence in a Father who will help me up and teach me how heal my battle scares. There is always is always a silver lining, we just need to wipe the tears from our eyes so that we can see it. ^_^
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thoughts From 30,000ft
I sit quietly, gazing out the small oval window at the ground 30,000ft below. A smile eases onto my face as I think to myself, “this is a small glimpse of what God sees all the time.” The world from this perspective is breathtaking. That may seem like some cheesy line from a movie or book, but does that make it any less true?
Have you ever thought about how beautiful our Earth is? I mean really think about it. As I gaze at it now, my mind wanders to my art class I just took this semester. There are two things that my teacher said that are running through my head. “Take a step back from your work and look at it from a distance. It looks a lot different from there.” Also, “As you get closer and closer to the piece there is more there to see. Little gifts to the viewer.” Is God not the most amazing artist and the Earth one of His greatest works?
I have seen 4 states and 3 countries from the perspective of 30,000ft many times, but I still haven’t stopped being amazed. Partly because everywhere I go is so different from the other. Whether it’s the dry browns and reds of Arizona, the tropical beaches and nightlife of Florida, or the snow cap mountains and lush green valleys of Oregon, each one has its own beauty.
As in art class, the closer you get to it, the more and more you see. Each thing a gift to YOU. A small pool of water and a single tree, an oasis in a vast desert. The cool breeze rolling in over the warm ocean as it cools the hot sands. A cluster of trees in the woods sheltering hikers from the heavy rain while birds and squirrels make their home in its branches. It is enough to make me envy God because he sees it all. He KNOWS it all because He put it there, just for us to discover.
I have only seen a fraction of a fraction of the world and it still blows my mind. I know that I can spend my whole life traveling and never see everything that the artist put into the piece for us to discover. I don’t have the means, resources, or time, BUT nothing is going to stop me from trying. ^_^
Have you ever thought about how beautiful our Earth is? I mean really think about it. As I gaze at it now, my mind wanders to my art class I just took this semester. There are two things that my teacher said that are running through my head. “Take a step back from your work and look at it from a distance. It looks a lot different from there.” Also, “As you get closer and closer to the piece there is more there to see. Little gifts to the viewer.” Is God not the most amazing artist and the Earth one of His greatest works?
I have seen 4 states and 3 countries from the perspective of 30,000ft many times, but I still haven’t stopped being amazed. Partly because everywhere I go is so different from the other. Whether it’s the dry browns and reds of Arizona, the tropical beaches and nightlife of Florida, or the snow cap mountains and lush green valleys of Oregon, each one has its own beauty.
As in art class, the closer you get to it, the more and more you see. Each thing a gift to YOU. A small pool of water and a single tree, an oasis in a vast desert. The cool breeze rolling in over the warm ocean as it cools the hot sands. A cluster of trees in the woods sheltering hikers from the heavy rain while birds and squirrels make their home in its branches. It is enough to make me envy God because he sees it all. He KNOWS it all because He put it there, just for us to discover.
I have only seen a fraction of a fraction of the world and it still blows my mind. I know that I can spend my whole life traveling and never see everything that the artist put into the piece for us to discover. I don’t have the means, resources, or time, BUT nothing is going to stop me from trying. ^_^
Friday, April 16, 2010
Drawing Near
Today has been a rather amazing day. It started off kind of crummy with my roommate's bike being stolen, but as it went on it got better and better. To start off here is a verse that is at the heart of this day. James 4:8, "Come near to God and He will come near to you..."
This verse is so big because I have been in a slump for awhile now, feeling numb and disconnected from God. My quite time had felt empty and I was beginning to become discouraged that I was falling back into the "old me." I was stressing, freaking out about money, putting on my "I got it together" face, and worrying about whether or not I am making the wrong decisions about my life. I had bottled all of it up (like usual) until the other night when my heart gave way and broke.
I was in bed trying to go to sleep. It was about 12:30am, so I thought it would be easy to do, but my mind start reeling about anything and everything. I was questioning quitting ROTC, being at NAU, am doing what I'm suppose to be doing, am I ever really going to be able to make it in film, etc. By 1:15am I was ready to get out of bed and go for a run to clear my head, but my Mom's words came into my head..."Mom I can't sleep." "Why don't you read your Bible. That will calm you down." I had always rolled my eyes at her before, but for some reason this night I didn't. I picked up my Bible, opened it up to Mark, and just started reading. You might think that I am going to tell you some amazing thing that God revealed to me during that time, but I'm not. After 3 or 4 chapters I fell asleep.
The next day I opened it up again and continued reading. I read some challenging things, but what was different that day, was that I accepted that I needed to do somethings I was uncomfortable doing. I got off my bed, got down on hands and knees, bowed my head, and just listened. I left 10 minutes open to just listen, nothing else. Once again, I didn't hear God's voice or have a vision. I just got up and went to class. But that wasn't the point. The point was, I did it.
When I did those things, I wasn't relying on myself or what I could do to make myself feel better, I was putting it all in God's hands. And you know what? These have been some of the best couple of days I have had in a long time. I have had amazing talks with friends, worshiped at InterVarsity like I haven't in a long time, been blessed by friends, and seen answers to big prayers. I made an effort to draw myself back to God and in response, He wrapped his arms around my and reminded me that He loves me and will always be right there holding me.
Now this may just sound like, "Oh, a couple of good days and God is so loving," and not that isn't enough, but to explain just how BIG I am talking here are a few specifics. My Mom has been stressed about the Alliance Women going into debt because of low turn out for retreat this weekend, but this morning during our talk she informed me that she received an e-mail that someone wanted to donate $5,000. That is enough to cover the debt. I also received an new video camera to further my dreams of being a film maker AND a check in the amount of $1,000 for my China missions trip this summer for my amazing Grandma Ginny. I have a place to live next year that I can afford and I am at PEACE about it all. I'm not the numb, "logically I can grasp all this," but rather I am SMILING and genuinely HAPPY about it all.
I know, that chances are I am going to fall into a slump again and most likely pretty soon, but I also know that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. I don't know about you, but that brings a smile to my face. ^_^
This verse is so big because I have been in a slump for awhile now, feeling numb and disconnected from God. My quite time had felt empty and I was beginning to become discouraged that I was falling back into the "old me." I was stressing, freaking out about money, putting on my "I got it together" face, and worrying about whether or not I am making the wrong decisions about my life. I had bottled all of it up (like usual) until the other night when my heart gave way and broke.
I was in bed trying to go to sleep. It was about 12:30am, so I thought it would be easy to do, but my mind start reeling about anything and everything. I was questioning quitting ROTC, being at NAU, am doing what I'm suppose to be doing, am I ever really going to be able to make it in film, etc. By 1:15am I was ready to get out of bed and go for a run to clear my head, but my Mom's words came into my head..."Mom I can't sleep." "Why don't you read your Bible. That will calm you down." I had always rolled my eyes at her before, but for some reason this night I didn't. I picked up my Bible, opened it up to Mark, and just started reading. You might think that I am going to tell you some amazing thing that God revealed to me during that time, but I'm not. After 3 or 4 chapters I fell asleep.
The next day I opened it up again and continued reading. I read some challenging things, but what was different that day, was that I accepted that I needed to do somethings I was uncomfortable doing. I got off my bed, got down on hands and knees, bowed my head, and just listened. I left 10 minutes open to just listen, nothing else. Once again, I didn't hear God's voice or have a vision. I just got up and went to class. But that wasn't the point. The point was, I did it.
When I did those things, I wasn't relying on myself or what I could do to make myself feel better, I was putting it all in God's hands. And you know what? These have been some of the best couple of days I have had in a long time. I have had amazing talks with friends, worshiped at InterVarsity like I haven't in a long time, been blessed by friends, and seen answers to big prayers. I made an effort to draw myself back to God and in response, He wrapped his arms around my and reminded me that He loves me and will always be right there holding me.
Now this may just sound like, "Oh, a couple of good days and God is so loving," and not that isn't enough, but to explain just how BIG I am talking here are a few specifics. My Mom has been stressed about the Alliance Women going into debt because of low turn out for retreat this weekend, but this morning during our talk she informed me that she received an e-mail that someone wanted to donate $5,000. That is enough to cover the debt. I also received an new video camera to further my dreams of being a film maker AND a check in the amount of $1,000 for my China missions trip this summer for my amazing Grandma Ginny. I have a place to live next year that I can afford and I am at PEACE about it all. I'm not the numb, "logically I can grasp all this," but rather I am SMILING and genuinely HAPPY about it all.
I know, that chances are I am going to fall into a slump again and most likely pretty soon, but I also know that if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me. I don't know about you, but that brings a smile to my face. ^_^
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Motivation or Motives?
Tonight I was reading through James 4:1-12 and checking out some commentaries as I prepare for Bible Study tomorrow and a question arose that was kind of a slap in the face. What are your motivations? The text was making it in reference to fighting and quarrels, but it really stretches beyond that. What are the motives behind the things we do and say? Not, are they just "good," but are they Godly?
Sometimes I feel like I am so good at deceiving others that in turn I am really deceiving myself. Like when I was younger. I convinced everyone that I was tough and confident and even I believed it for awhile, but in the end when I really dig deep I know that it's not true. I think that I often do that with my motives too. Am I really doing this to help someone or am I hoping to get something out of it? What I did may be good, but was my heart and desires in line with God?
I don't have an answer on how to stop having selfish motives, I'm not sure there is a preventive strategy, but what I do know is that I want to change my motives into motivation. If I see that my motives may be skewed, I want to take that and turn it into motivation to get more in line with God. If I start something because it makes me feel good about myself, I want to change that into motivation to show God's glory and what he has done through me. I am imperfect and I will be until the day I die, but I am going to strive to be perfect because the day I stand with my Father I will be and he will say, "Well done, good and faithful daughter." What better motivation is there then that?
Sometimes I feel like I am so good at deceiving others that in turn I am really deceiving myself. Like when I was younger. I convinced everyone that I was tough and confident and even I believed it for awhile, but in the end when I really dig deep I know that it's not true. I think that I often do that with my motives too. Am I really doing this to help someone or am I hoping to get something out of it? What I did may be good, but was my heart and desires in line with God?
I don't have an answer on how to stop having selfish motives, I'm not sure there is a preventive strategy, but what I do know is that I want to change my motives into motivation. If I see that my motives may be skewed, I want to take that and turn it into motivation to get more in line with God. If I start something because it makes me feel good about myself, I want to change that into motivation to show God's glory and what he has done through me. I am imperfect and I will be until the day I die, but I am going to strive to be perfect because the day I stand with my Father I will be and he will say, "Well done, good and faithful daughter." What better motivation is there then that?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
And so the journey begins....
As I have been home for Spring Break, I have been making preparations for this new and exciting road I will be taking in May. One of the things on my list was to renew my passport which expired a few years ago. So, on Monday morning Mom and I went to the Post Office in town, got the paper work, had my birth certificate and everything. When we got up to the window, he told us that we could pay him $15 to take my photo OR pay $7 at Rite Aid. Needless to say we went to Rite Aid, which we had already been at while waiting for my hair cut. Anyway, They took my picture and printed them and we once again got in the car and made our way BACK to the Post Office. The "fun" wasn't over yet. The man that had been working earlier was gone and two women were had taken his place. We got up to the one and she she took one look and saw that I wanted to do passport stuff and she told me she couldn't do it right now and to come back in an hour. This lady was not exactly making my day. She went on to tell us that we didn't actually have to do it through them, that I could just mail it in and save the $25 processing fee. We were very sure that we could NOT because I was 14 when I received my passport, but she just kept on telling us that we could. So we went home to finish it there...but the story doesn't end.
We got home and I finished the last few things on the application. There was a part that talked about renewals and so we started to read. It said that you CANNOT mail it in if you were under 16 when your last passport was issued to you. Great. SO, Tuesday we made yet again ANOTHER trip to the Post Office and that nice man was once again there. He told us that she had no idea what she was talking about (that's for sure) and that he would help us. BUT, he took one look at my picture and said "oh no." Not exactly what I wanted to hear. He told us that Rite Aid had made my head too big and that they might take it, but they might send it back...which I don't have time for cause we leave in May. SO, I dropped Mom off at work went home to get my receipt for Rite Aid, went to the store and had my picture retaken (it was right this time), and ONCE AGAIN WENT BACK TO THE POST OFFICE. Finally, this time everything was right and we got it sent off.
My greatest joy in all of this fiasco...that I will never have too do it again. From now on I CAN mail it in. Oh and that I am now one step closer to my final destination. ^_^
We got home and I finished the last few things on the application. There was a part that talked about renewals and so we started to read. It said that you CANNOT mail it in if you were under 16 when your last passport was issued to you. Great. SO, Tuesday we made yet again ANOTHER trip to the Post Office and that nice man was once again there. He told us that she had no idea what she was talking about (that's for sure) and that he would help us. BUT, he took one look at my picture and said "oh no." Not exactly what I wanted to hear. He told us that Rite Aid had made my head too big and that they might take it, but they might send it back...which I don't have time for cause we leave in May. SO, I dropped Mom off at work went home to get my receipt for Rite Aid, went to the store and had my picture retaken (it was right this time), and ONCE AGAIN WENT BACK TO THE POST OFFICE. Finally, this time everything was right and we got it sent off.
My greatest joy in all of this fiasco...that I will never have too do it again. From now on I CAN mail it in. Oh and that I am now one step closer to my final destination. ^_^
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